Let the Mayhem Begin
by StarLaughter
Summary: A cupid is released at Hogwarts with hilarious (and disturbing) results.
1. Prologue

Let the Mayhem Begin 

By StarLaughter

Prologue 

Ginny Weasley grinned wickedly to herself as she contemplated the havoc she was about to unleash.

"Fred and George will be proud. Someone has to continue their legacy, who better than another Weasley?" she mused to herself, staring down at the strange creature sitting on her upturned palm.

It was small, about 4 inches in height with leathery wings sprouting from it's back. It had an ugly face with close-set features, which put Ginny in mind of a certain Slytherin girl who was constantly draping herself off the arm of Draco Malfoy.

She had thought that a cupid would have been, well, prettier. She knew all those muggle clichés of a diaper wearing winged baby with heart tipped arrows were rubbish, much like the cackling, ugly wart inflicted hags that stereotyped witches.

But still, she was a little disturbed that the physical embodiment of love looked like a mini hellish fiend, with razor sharp teeth reminiscent of a vampire.

"Oh well, doesn't matter what you look like I suppose, as long as you do your job." The cupid tilted its head to the side, granting her a devilish little smile that exposed its offending dentures. "Bet you're looking forward to this, aren't you?" She swore she discerned a glint in the creature's eye. "It's time for you to start making this day a little more interesting." And with that, she muttered the incantation that rendered it invisible to all but her; it's summoner and tossed it into the air in one fluid movement.

"This should be fun."


	2. Chapter 1

Let the Mayhem Begin 

By StarLaughter

Chapter 1 

"Aghh! Double potions with the Slytherins, don't know why I bother getting out of bed on Monday mornings," moaned Ron, in between large mouthfuls of toast and spoonfuls of cereal.

"Because NEWTS are coming up soon and you can't afford to miss any classes," came Hermione's predictable response. "Do you have to eat so much so fast? It's making me ill." She glanced away with a nauseated expression clearly visible on her face.

"Sorry Hermy."

"Don't-call-me-Hermy," she growled through gritted teeth.

Ron glanced at Harry and they both burst out laughing. "But it's just soâyou."

"Fine, I've always thought Ickle Bitty Ronnikens suits you. Or I could go for Weasel and Potty if you like."

Harry quickly stopped laughing. "Hey don't bring me into this, besides since when have you thought any concept of Malfoy's was a good idea?"

"Yeah OK, just don't call me Hermy, only Gwap can do that, and only because he is a 16 foot giant. Plus he is Hagrid's brother after all.

"Can you believe Hagrid's still been trying to find Gwap a 'lady friend', as he puts it? That's stark raving mad that is!" said Ron, rising from his place at the Gryffindor table.

"Lets not talk about that little 'situation' right now," murmured Harry, "come on we'd better get a move on, or we'll be late, and we don't need to hand Snape a reason to take points off us."

"Like he's ever cared about having a reason before," muttered Ron darkly.

They rounded the corner to find the Gryffindors and Slytherins lined on opposite sides of the dungeon corridor, and quickly joined Seamus, Dean and Neville in a heated discussion about Quidditch.

Seamus was raving about how Bulgaria didn't stand a chance in the next World Cup, even though it was still a year away. Wanting to avoid a discussion about Krum, due to Ron's overreaction and hostility every time his name was mentioned, Hermione wandered a bit closer to the classroom door, only to find someone barring her way.

"Watch it Granger, I'm standing here if you can't see. Maybe you need glasses like your little boyfriend over there." Sneered Draco Malfoy, casting a withering glance in Harry's direction to the raucous laughter of the surrounding Slytherins, including Pansy, who was nearly beside herself with laughter.

"Well you weren't standing there a second ago Malfoy, but then I'd be trying to distance myself from such company as well," she retorted, casting a equally vehement stare at Draco and his companions, her eyes lingering on Pansy in particular, who was currently draping herself off one of his arms.

"You just watch your mouth MudblâAghh! What the hell was that?!" he shouted in surprise, swatting at his neck where a red welt was beginning to appear.

He glanced up at Hermione again, who was about to lash out at him for his slur on her heritage, even if it was incomplete, when she saw his expression change. His normal glacial sneer and distant haughty demeanor melted away, and he appeared to be, well, gaping at her.

Momentarily startled, she faltered.

Suddenly the corridor was plunged into silence, the sounds of a firm step and rustling robes growing louder as Snape swept before the students opening the dungeon door with a large crash.

"Enter, and I want no nonsense or talking."

The class filed silently into the classroom with Harry, Ron and Hermione taking their usual seats at the back of the classroom.

"He seems in an even more unpleasant mood than usual this morning, and he was the one who was late," Harry whispered to his best friends. "I'm sure he'll manage to vent it as usual, on me."

"Just ignore him Harry."

"Hey Ron, Hermione, why's Malfoy staring at us?" They both looked up in surprise at Harry's words.

"Not us, he appears to be staring at you Hermione." Ron's words were filled with loathing.

"Don't be ridiculous Ron, and if he is I'm sure he's just planning something nasty." But whilst everyone was bustling around attempting the potion Snape had set for the class on the blackboard, Hermione felt eyes following her.

Looking up, she saw that Malfoy was indeed staring at her, and judging by the withering looks Pansy was directing first her way, then Draco's, he had been for some time. There was no malevolence in the looks; in fact if she was forced to describe them she'd almost have to say they wereâwell puppy dog looks. Horrified at this revelation, the vial she was holding slipped through her currently lax fingers, smashing loudly on the stone floor.

"10 points from Gryffindor for your clumsiness Miss Granger, you're becoming as bad as Mr. Longbottom," came Snape's vindictive reaction, leaving Hermione fuming at herself, and at the Potions Head, who was glaring at her with cold amusement.

She bent down to clear up the mess. When she stood up again, glancing up from the dungeon floor it was to meet the stare of two intense grey eyes inches from her face.

Letting out a startled scream, she jumped away from her workbench, which currently had a leering Draco Malfoy leaning over it, gazing at her.

"What the hell Malfoy?!"

"Just wanted to propose a partnership for the next Potions assignment, the Professor said we have to get into pairs, and considering you're the only other person with intelligence in the room, I'd say we're made for each other." Hermione couldn't have been more shocked if he had declared he was actually muggle-born and engaged to Dumbledore.

"Wha" She searched his face for any trace of guile or sinister intent, and one glance at the look on Pansy's face convinced her that this was not some ploy they'd cooked up between them.

"Get lost Malfoy," Ron advanced towards the befuddled Hermione to glare threateningly at the gooey-eyed Slytherin.

"Back off Weasel, this is none of your business. Hermione and I were having a conversation here that doesn't involve you."

"What did you just call me?" Hermione interjected, startled.

"Hermione, it is your name isn't it? Although not nearly pretty enough for a girl as beautiful as you." Before either Ron or herself could react, he reached forward and touched a lock of her hair, twirling it around his long, graceful finger. It took a moment for Hermione, who by this time was suffering from severe shock, to jerk backwards, glaring furious at Malfoy.

By this point the whole class had come to a stand still, staring in disbelief at the scene unfolding before them.

Pansy looked like she was going to explode, and if it hadn't been for the restraining arm Crabbe had placed around her shoulders, Hermione was sure there would have been another participant in the bizarre scene over by her workbench.

Noticing the strange state of affairs, Snape approached the group with his trademark scowl fixed firmly in place, but whether this was due to the rather nasty looking welt developing on his neck, or the atrocious actions of his favourite student, was yet to be determined.

"That will be quite enough of that thank you Mr Malfoy." He delivered a scathing look in Draco's direction. The Slytherin was dumbfounded; Snape didn't look like that at anyone except the famous Harry Potter.

"Miss Granger is going to be assisting me with a potion I am concocting. Go partner Miss Parkinson before she chews off Mr Crabb's arm." Sure enough, Pansy could be seen struggling to free herself using any means necessary, including her teeth.

"What special potion? What's going on? Is this all some kind of sick joke!?" Hermione demanded of Draco and Snape, thoroughly fed up by their bizarre behaviour and the cold looks she was receiving from the surrounding Gryffindors.

"Why Miss Granger, such a fiery temper is hardly lady-like. 30 points to Gryffindor!"

"What? How could you take off points when she was only trying to ask a question" Harry trailed off when he processed what he had just heard. Snape had just _awarded_ 30 points to Gryffindor.

"And 15 points off for disrespecting a Professor, Mr Potter", Snape sneered.

In the next instant, Harry appeared to be the furthest thing from Snapes mind as he turned back to Hermione, ran his hand deftly through his greasy hair, looked her up and down, winked, and said "How you doin'?"

Lavender screamed and fainted, Ron looked as if he was about to be sick, and Harry was gaping like Voldemort had just run in and started dancing in a frilly pink tutu.


	3. Chapter 2

Let the Mayhem Begin 

By StarLaughter

Chapter 2 

Hermione felt a sharp stinging sensation on her neck, then glanced up to meet the piercing eyes of her Professor. Then, she started giggling. Not at his ludicrous behaviour, but a girly, flirty type giggle, and then responded to Snapes question by throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him passionately in full view of the class.

The newly conscious Lavender, who was in the process of removing herself from the floor with the help of Parvarti, screamed again, then slumped back to the dungeon floor, followed quickly by Neville who obviously found the sight of one of his closest friends kissing Snape too horrific for consciousness.

Harry and Ron were not so passive in their reactions, both lunging foreward towards the madly kissing pair. But an infuriated and dangerous looking Malfoy beat them to it.

Malfoy wrenched Hermione off of Snape, and then to the further amazement of the stunned Gryffindors and Slytherins (although most of them had moved way beyond the feeling of mere shock anymore), punched his Professor square in the face.

"Get you greasy paws off her Snape, Hermione's mine I tell you", and with that he turned to Hermione, who was glaring furiously and about to begin a verbal attack for interrupting her bliss moments earlier, picked her up around the waist, slung her struggling over his shoulder and madly dashed from the dungeon screaming "Mine I tell you, MINE!!"

"Come back here Draco Malfoy, you'll pay for this!" screamed an enraged Snape, blood welling from a cut lip. And with that he ran headlong out of the classroom following closely in Draco and Hermione's wake.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other briefly, then charged from the room chasing after their best friend and the two clearly deranged Slytherins, followed closely by a screaming Pansy.

The rest of the class was mute with astonishment, aside from Crabbe who was nursing a mauled arm and sobbing loudly onto a shaken Goyle's shoulder.

Parvarti broke the fragile silence. "What the hell just happened?"

Nobody had an answer for her.


	4. Chapter 3

**Let the Mayhem Begin**

**By StarLaughter**

A/N: Sorry that you had to wait such a long time for an update, unfortunately I had a lot of assignments that I had to complete. I'd just like to thank everyone who reviewed, it was fantastic! I couldn't stop smiling all day, so reviews are very much appreciated!!

A special big thank you to Exploded toilet bowl, Hobey-ho, Princess-Perfect, Quicksilver Foxx, KesiThack, human-amusement, KClover319, Fayna, Paige Malfoy, shortie522, Ginny-W13, slytherinswn , slyswn28, scarlet-knight13. You guys are the best :-)

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any right to the characters from Harry Potter.

_Chapter 3_

Breathing hard, Harry and Ron sprinted through the dim-lit corridors of Hogwarts dungeons. Pansy could be heard not far behind, panting like a steam train, yet she seemed to find the breath to emit a scary sounding growl.

If they ever caught up with the crazed troupe of Draco, Hermione and Snape, Harry wasn't sure if he'd be able to get to Draco before Pansy vented her fury and left nothing but gooey slytherin bits all over the walls. Why should she have all the fun?

The edge of Snapes cloak could be seen far ahead, billowing in the wake of his love-crazed dash.

Harry couldn't for the life of him figure out what was going on, but right now the only thing on his mind was getting Hermione away from a clearly deranged Draco and Snape, who had proven he could be far more terrifying than previously believed possible.

The moment when Snape started to crack onto Hermione (How you doin'? – what the hell kind of pick up line is that anyway!?) was seared into Harrys brain, and he solemnly believed that had Voldemort run into the class all red-eyed and evil, at that point even he would have picked up the ends of his robes and fled whimpering in horror at the sight.

Soon Harry, Ron and Pansy found themselves thoroughly lost in the underground labyrinth.

"What do you mean you don't know where they've gone??!" Ron bellowed at Pansy. "You're a Slytherin for Merlins sake, how can _you_ get lost in the dungeons!?"

"Shut your mouth Weasley, we need to find them and you're not helping."

"Pansy's right Ron, we need to figure this out rationally." Ron stared at Harry in horror. When Harry realised he had just agreed with _Pansy _he fought the urge to slam his head Dobby style repeatedly into the surrounding stone walls.

Pansy, oblivious to the reactions of two boys, continued, "See Weasel, even Potty agrees with me, so as hard as it may be for you, try and think of something instead of losing it over your precious mudblood. Ohhh when I get my hands on her...." Pansys hands started clenching into hammer-like fists.

"What do you mean, when you get your hands on her!? And don't you DARE call her that..." Ron lunged at Pansy with murder in his eyes, when suddenly he was brought up short, his robe suddenly pulled tight around his neck.

Harry held on to the madly scrabbling Ron, ignoring his growls of protest and Pansy's taunting remarks. "I don't know why I didn't think of it before...we have to get back to the Gryffindor tower, we can locate them from there. If we continuing wandering around down here it may take us days to find them, who knows how many secret passages and the like Malfoy may know."

"Whatever Potter, I'll have you know the dungeons are warded against locator spells and the like, and I hardly think you'd be powerful enough to break through the spells of Salazar Slytherin himself. If anyones going to find them its going to be _me_." And with that she dashed madly off down an adjoining passage way, reminding Harry starkly of a charging bull.

"Should we follow her?" Ron gasped, rubbing his sore windpipe and glaring at Harry with a none-to-happy expression on his face.

"We don't need her help when weve got help from Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail. Come on, we have to hurry, who knows what they're doing with Hermione."

After about an hour of running around like madmen in their attempts to escape the dungeons, Harry and Ron found their way to the Entrance Hall, and from there to Gryffindor Tower, resting place of the most sacred of objects, the Maurauder's Map and their key to finding Hermione.

Gasping, they fell through the portrait hole, only to be beseiged by a large number of eager Gryffindors.

"Where's Hermione?"

"The whole castles in chaos..."

"All classes were cancelled in the search for Malfoy, Hermione and Professor Snape..."

"Filch kissed Hagrid."

"Did you find them?!"

Harry attempted to barge through the mob. "Out of my way, we're in a hurry, we still have to find..._Filch kissed Hagrid?!_" He turned in shock to Seamus.

"Yeah it was _so_ gross! Hagrid picked him up by his greasy hair and threw him about 50 feet, he landed on top of Mrs Norris, they're both in the hospital wing. It took both Proffessor Dumbledore and Professor Flitwick to get Filch there because he kept struggling, screaming about how he couldn't leave Hagrid until he'd read him a poem he'd been writing." With that Seamus and the other surrounding Gryffindors burst into peals of laughter.

Suddenly Neville stumbled into the common room looking quite flustered, hurridly trying to shut the portrait door behind him. "Quick someone help me, shes coming!"

Harry moved quickly towards the boy, who looked as if he was about to start crying. "Who's coming?"

"No time, just _shut the door!!_" Harry and Neville quickly shut it, when suddenly a dull 'thud' could be heard through the thick barrier. "She's here..." and with that terrified statement, Neville sunk down to the floor, curled into the foetal position and started bawling uncontrollably.

The rest of the Gryffindors looked on in bewilderment, stunned and unsure of what to do next. Harry and Ron helped Neville to his feet (albeit with some difficulty), deciding that he would best recover in his dormitory, but the second Neville was moved away from the door, he sprung to life. "Do not open that door! Anyone who does will have me to answer to, do you hear me, noone is to let that, that..._thing, _in here."

Shocked by the vehement tone coming from the usually calm and friendly lad, the Gryffindors just nodded their heads in unison, until a brave soul ventured to ask the question that was on the tip of everyones tongue. "Neville, just exactly _who_ is out there."

"Pansy. And lets just say, I think she'd over Draco," and with that pronouncement he wrenched away from Harry and Ron's supportive arms and ran howling up to the boys dormitory.

Noone moved to stop him, after all, the boy deserved to be alone with his pain and mortification. From the looks people were giving each other, two things were clear. One; that it was imperative (especially to Lavender and Parvati, who prided themselves on knowing everything about everyone) that the details about what exactly had just happened between Neville and Pansy were immediately discovered; and two, that the poor boy was quite likely going to be scarred for life.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**By StarLaughter**

A/N: I have written quite a bit more, but I need to edit it, so I thought I'd just post this quick chapter to let you know I havent forgotten all of you, and that I'm still alive :)

A special big thankyou to all my reviewers, you're the best! Love you all!

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any right to the characters from Harry Potter.

A speechless silence had descended on the Gryffindor common room. Even in the days of Fred and George, such chaos has never been witnessed in the vaulted halls of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Coming back to earth Harry was again seized by a restless urgency. Grabbing Ron's arm he ran up to their dormitory, ignoring the angry protests and questions fired at him by students he had just roughly pushed passed. Lungs heaving from over exertion, they stumbled into the room, dashing over to Harry's trunk.

Harry flung the case open and began rifling through the contents looking for the Maurauder's Map.

"Harry."

"Not now Ron."

"Pssst, Harry."

"Ron shut up! The maps not here. No that's impossible, it has to be here."

"Harry, please." It came out as almost a whisper.

"WHAT!" Harry angrily directed his attention towards his friend, only to find that Ron didn't seem to be paying the slightest bit of attention to him, but instead was gazing with a mingled look of astonishment and horror to a space to the side of Harry's bed. In fact, towards his own four poster.

Following Ron's gaze, Harry looked over. There, lying on Ron's crimson bed sheets, was Goyle. A very inappropriately dressed Goyle. In fact, Goyle wearing nothing but a see-through neglige and a rose between his teeth.

"Oh. My. God." In his astonishment, Harry dropped the trunk lid with a slam. A slam that happened to be caused by the very heavy lid falling on Harry's inopportunly placed fingers. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" He began jumping up and down, the scantily dressed Slytherin eyeing his best friend seductively (or what could be assumed as seductive, it was either that or he'd eaten something fairly rotten) immediately forgotten.

Unfortunately for Ron, he didn't have any painful experience to spare him the horror, although at that point he was actually contemplating if a jump from the dormitory tower would be sufficient. Would merely dashing his brains out on the rocks below be adequate to wipe out this vision? Ron wasn't sure, but at this point he was willing to try anything.

Before he could move however, things got worse. A lot worse.


End file.
